Category: Life Lessons

Graduate into True Friendship

June is the month of graduations. Whether from high school, university, or kindergarten, students of all ages complete one stage of life and move on to another.

On those days, family and friends gather around to celebrate the trials and tribulations that were overcome for those hard won pieces of paper. Often during these times we hold dear those who were in the fire alongside us. Our classmates become our friends, bridesmaids, even birthing partners.

What I wasn’t prepared for when I graduated from university was that the very people who I had laughed, cried, and studied with were not the people who went forward with me into the rest of my life. College, it seemed, was it for these friendships. These women who had vowed we would pick up each other’s dentures from the nursing room floor are now strangers to me, people I remember fondly, but with a tinge of betrayal.

I wrote about the effect of time on college bonds in my first novel Saving Peace. Lucky for me, my exploration of friendships didn’t stop with the dissolution of that ring of friends. I graduated from that circle into another one.

“How could I have been so stupid?” a friend asked me, and herself, for the umpteenth time since the breakup that had rocked her world.

“Stop asking why,” I said. “It’s not a productive question.”

You may be thinking right about now that I’m not the kind of friend you want when you’re looking for a shoulder to cry on. The fact is I gave her the truth I knew because I had learned it in my own fires. Truth that had helped me deal with life’s surprise twists and turns over the last seven years. Sometimes you can’t stop to ask questions—you have to keep going. The perspective comes later.

“I had such dark thoughts this weekend,” she said. “I thought about ending my life. The downward spiral nearly got to me.”

Such honesty deserved bravery in return.

“You’re not the only woman to ever have her heartbroken,” I said.

Again, you may be shaking your head, thinking I’m a right b*tch who needs telling off for kicking my friend when she’s down.

Actually what I was doing was giving her a hand up. Realizing that catastrophizing had the effect of hiding a Trojan horse inside my mind set me free from habitual negativity. Stopping the gateway thought, like a gateway drug, keeps you from slipping down the slope of self-loathing and doubt.

I didn’t lecture my friend. I didn’t give her advice. I kept presenting her with the truth in the face of her fatigue, dismay, and fear. Because she had been doing that for me for the several years that I knew her. In light of all the steadying perspective she had given me, speaking truth to her was the least I could do in return.

What do you think about saying the hard truths that someone might want to hear? What are the things you wish someone had told you?

I completely agree when they say the truth hurts. But wouldn’t you rather take if from someone you love in a safe environment? Lies are used by those who betray us in order to postpone their discomfort or our pain. Eventually both catch up with us.

 

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And After the Fire, the Living Suffer

English: An image depicting the grand canal in...
English: An image depicting the grand canal inside Villagio, Doha. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
English: Entrance number 3 of Villagio Mall, Doha.
English: Entrance number 3 of Villagio Mall, Doha. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two weeks ago, life in Qatar changed when a mall fire killed 19 people, among them children, teachers, and firefighters. Our hearts immediately went out to the loved ones who were grappling with mundane tasks in the wake of such devastating loss. The fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, of those who lost someone were immediately surrounded with candle light vigils and prayers.

As the mother of a toddler, in light of high cost of lives in such a tragedy, I found myself comforted when I drove by the mall parking lot, normally a hive of overactivity, uncharacteristically vacant.

Who could shop there again unaware of the way negligence and unpreparedness put lives in danger?

“Lots of people. People who need their brands before they travel,” one student said as we discussed in class people’s intentions about going to Villaggio again. The comment brought me up short.

I didn’t berate her — I listened to her point of view. A few hours later, something in me still balked at the thought of rank commercialism in a site with such bad karma. I did what I normally do when I’m contemplating something. I took the issue to Twitter.

“Would you go to Villaggio again? I hope to never go again,” I tweeted, avoiding the word never, because, well, you never know.

The responses that came back were even more eye opening than my student’s frankness.

“Please think of the workers and their families who haven’t been paid since the mall’s closure,” someone tweeted back. “Yes, there are cleaners that are very worried,” someone else replied.

With their insights, the empty parking lot took on another significance, this one with consequences for the living: no wages, nothing to send home to their families, many dependent on their incomes. I couldn’t believe this entire group of people were paying for an unprecedented mistake, the kind the country had never seen before. Curious to know more, I spoke with mall employees. Here’s what I was able to find out:

The closure’s effect on salespeople depends on the company they work for. If you work for an international chain or brand, like Azadea ( who owns Virgin, Paul, Massimo Dutti, Oculis, among others) then you can go on leave. However its on a basic salary with no commission ( commission payments  can be up to half of someone’s pay check).  Other big groups operating in Villaggio like Al Shaya (who oversee Starbucks , Boots etc ) have a similar leave setup for employees. These chains have more than one outlet, and others, like department stores, are able to reassign employees to other locations at other shopping outlets.

If you have one store in Villaggio and you are reliant on it for all your income, the situation becomes more dire. A small company can little afford even one month of no trading. Three months or more (rumors are that Villaggio will be closed for 6 months) which will surely kill the cash flow and thus the business.

For employees working for the small companies, they are unpaid leave. Unpaid leave and the sponsor system means many are now unemployed. The refusal of  companies to issue an No Objection Letter (required in Qatar to transfer sponsor) for their staff to seek other employment means that some staff are doomed. Another problem with unpaid leave is that companies can also refuse to issue plane tickets for staff to leave the country. If you consider the average cost of a return ticket is QAR 4000. Unless you have saved that money you have few options but to wait and see what your fate will be.

Like the aftermath of any tragedy the questions are complex and multi-faceted.

What would you do if Villaggio were reopened?

What can we as a community do for those affected by the closure?

Since smoking in doors continues, is it only time before another incident happens at another location?

Tell me what you’re thinking: The good, the bad, the unspoken. Only through honesty can we make our way through. This is the least we can do to honor the memory of the dead.

 

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                                           A Mother’s Tale the Morning of the Fire

Hearing versus Listening

An enlargeable map of the State of Qatar
An enlargeable map of the State of Qatar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last Monday was a sobering moment for everyone living in or with connections to the nation of Qatar. Families lost children, spouses lost their partners, and a nation mourned the loss of 19 lives in a mall fire.

From the minute the news went out that “Villaggio was on fire” (the phrase everyone from students to coworkers was repeating) the questions began.

“Who knew about the fire and at what time?”

“Why had someone put a nursery upstairs?”

“Did the fire fighters have the equipment they needed?”

Several investigations are open and in the nature of tragedies, they will take months, if not longer to resolve. What is clear is that nearly every person connected to the emergency response of Villaggio suffered from a lack of necessary information. The first responders were not notified that children were inside; no floor plans for the mall were available; and while humans were outside working within the limited range of words, the fire inside was eating everything it in it’s path.

While this large scale, devastation was happening across town, I was having my own miscommunication at work. While the effects of my conflict were nowhere near the tragedy of the fire — no one died — the principles on which my afternoon (and most of the week) went awry were the same as what plagued the teams at Villaggio: I was hearing what people were saying but I wasn’t listening. Feeling unheard, the other group was returning the favor.

Assistive Listening Systems These systems tran.... (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The root of any miscommunication is the act of hearing without listening. Once I sat down at the mediation table, I got the other side’s perspective. At first it was hard not to get defensive: how could he have thought that’s what I meant? Did she not realize how aggressive her behavior was? I asked the people I was in conflict with to consider the situation from my point of view, later that evening or some other day, when they could.

When I got home, if I wanted to be fair, I had to do the same. I replayed the offensive scenarios over in my mind, this time with myself as the aggressor, and a tiny square of understanding opened. This led to another, to another, and to a new set of ground rules that has since helped us right tilting ship.

None of this would have happened if everyone in the situation had not performed a very mundane action: accepted responsibility.

I accepted the possibility that what were defensive actions on my part, after being repeatedly interrupted, were seen as offensive maneuvers. As hard as it was to  hear that I had some part in the communication meltdown, in hearing out the other side, I saw that’s all it was. Humans miscommunicating. No one was a villain; everyone wanted the same thing — respect.

In our litigation saturated global culture, when politicians are caught cheating on wives or elections and apologize with platitudes, I got an old fashioned lesson in listening. When’s the last time you listened to someone? Not the words they were saying but the message they were trying to convey? Do you assign and accept blame equally?

 

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