Make it a Beautiful Day in Your Neighborhood

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.54.23 AMIf you have lived in the Arabian Gulf as an expat there are several common questions people will ask you when you’re home or traveling. One of the most persistent ones is: “How can you live there? What about the human rights violations?”

Over the last ten years, I’ve been mulling over the latent social superiority in this question. This post will be the first of a series in presenting a few answers.

For now, let me start with yesterday. A group of volunteers, moms and their children, visited a preparatory program for out of school children.

Tucked into three portacabins, these children are the first in their families to get any formal schooling. They live in the neighborhood behind mine. The passion to provide education for these children  is driven by a group of community members and charitable donations that funds the teachers, the buses, and supplies.

My premise was simple: our kids had a day off school. We would use the morning to create an hour and half of art, reading, and fun activities for kids in program, age 4-7, roughly the same age as ours.

As the morning came closer, everything went wrong: I couldn’t find the right kind of paint to use on jars, the main art activity we had planned. The big book I had chosen for the main reading couldn’t be photocopied because, well, the extra large pages, great for students to crowd around, were too big.

I was nervous everything would flop and the program would be over before it began.

Then.

We met the children and their teachers.

They were divided into two rooms. We split ourselves up, handing out paints, paintbrushes, and foam hands. And they painted.

Our little helpers passed out supplies, turned pages, took turns demonstrating Duck Duck Goose and Abdullah Says.

Sweat was beading on our faces as we took the group outside to make the use of more space. My son asked to go home. At snack time, discarded covers of straws from juice boxes floated in the breeze. We, who had come to do good, were the cause of littering on school grounds.

The morning wasn’t technically perfect. But it was the establishment of connections, between our kids and their kids. Between our volunteers and the teachers.

Between my mind and the idea that those who need the most help are often right next to us.

When we got home, we talked to our kids about their observations. The younger ones scattered off to play. The older ones ruminated on what it would be like to attend school in a language you don’t speak.

We adults sat with the reality that many of these types of communities exist in our home communities, far from the relative comfort of the suburbs.

Our next visit is scheduled for Thanksgiving morning, the next day our kids don’t have school. Another great connection: volunteering as a way of giving thanks.

 

I Won't Ask Why You're Separated Or Your Baby Died

English: The gossip seems to interest baby, to...
English: The gossip seems to interest baby, too!  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“You told her?” I said to a friend who is in the middle of a prolonged separation from her husband.

My friend is a wonderful listener. One on one, we have talks of such range and depth, I often feel like I’ve left the therapist after we have lunch. Unlike me, in a crowd, she’d rather watch than take the limelight. While I might set my husband’s car on fire, tell the world about his sins, or write a plot based on our breakup (were he to do to me what hers dared) she is internally grappling with a range of emotions.

“Yes,” she said. “I had to.” I was surprised to hear her say since she is a very private person.

“She asked what happened. I didn’t know what to say.”

“People ask you that?”

Even extroverted me, who is an impulsive blurter-outer of all and sundry phrases,  was shocked to the core. I might wonder what happened but even I would restrain  from asking my boss, co-worker, or fellow nursery parent, for the details.

“You won’t believe how many people ask,” she replied.

Fuming for my friend, as news of the latest installment of intrusion came, I did what I do when I have observations on humanity. I tweeted.

Immediately a few people Tweeted back, wondering why “What happened?” is a less than optimal response (the feed). In short, the question seems a poor cover up for obvious nosiness.

No doubt the fishbowl nature of expat life makes me queasy at the idea of people in the carpool, workplace, neighborhood having more information than they need. In a social setting where people know the most intimate details about each other, where you go on vacation and with whom, how long cars have been parked in a spot in a neighborhood, who is eligible for a promotion, who was fired and who really did resign, I cringe every time my friend says she didn’t know what to say when someone asked her what’s going on.

Yes, I understand that life’s tragedies will come out eventually. The very nature of the word means they are not something we can hide from.

Surely we all cringe at the over share of details during these traumatic moments; changed Facebook statuses, Tweets, or otherwise.

Word to wise, (as I’ve learned from another acquaintance’s loss, a year plus now, of a baby she never discussed with me): friendship has a variety of meanings, depending on the individual. If someone wants you to know the back story of a particular personal event, s/he will tell you.

Until then, best keep the quest for details to writing related tasks.

PS my short list of optimal responses to life tragedies:

  • “Sorry to hear that.”
  • “Can I help in any way?”
  • “You’re an amazing person.”
  • “This too shall pass.”
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On a Scale of 1-10

I was talking – or messaging as many conversations are had these days – with a friend who was asking for help in how to interpret that persnickety of all insults, an office slight. She told me about the incident and then listed all the reasons it made her furious.

WR - Dinner Theatre (MB)
WR – Dinner Theatre (MB) (Photo credit: vastateparksstaff)

Her reaction triggered an image of myself a few years ago, dealing with difficult people in a confined setting: the strident, self-righteous indignant tones were so familiar.

“Think of murder as the number 10 on a scale of 1 to 10,” I said. “Where does this rank?”

“Four,” she typed back.

“Four?” I asked.  Four was nearly halfway to murder. She explained the symbolic nature of the offending action and all the reasons her reaction was justified.

Our interaction reminded me of a talk I had in the first year I moved overseas.

“What is the worst thing that could happen?” Someone asked me in the middle of a rant about workplace antics.

“The worst thing?” I looked at her blankly.

“Yes, the worst.”

“Like losing being homeless?”

“No, the worst thing ever.”

“For everyone?” I had to think for a minute. “Nuclear annihilation?”

She had me describe it in detail. The flesh bubbling, then peeling off, having to live underground, the sudden scarcity of humanity.

“That’s your 10,” she said with a pat on my knee. “And compared to that, what’s this?”

In the 7 years or so since that conversation I have come a long way. The incident my friend was reporting was about a 2. But then again, it didn’t happen to me.

What’s your 10?

 

 

 

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